The days go by and one just seems to run into the other; I miss him so much.
The last few days have been okay, my anxiety is really bad again; so that means tears and getting annoyed very easily. When the phone rings at work it annoys me so much and those are the times that I just want to be at home where I don’t have to deal with anything.
I got to have breakfast with Derek’s best friend and his bf yesterday; it was nice. Bryan probably knows Derek better than anyone on this planet, including me, and I can talk to him about Derek and he understands. I wish I could spend more time with him but he lives in Jersey so I don’t get to see him much at all.
I quit going to therapy last month; I think that when you go to therapy you should feel better when you leave there, I feel worse when I leave so I stopped going.
I spent part of Memorial Day weekend with Christian; we have so much fun together! He’s such a good boy and he reminds me so much of Derek, he’s fearless and adventurous just like Derek was. We talk about Derek and he says “my Daddy is in Heaven”, I always tell him yes he is and he’s watching over you all of the time and protecting you. It makes me sad that he won’t remember the things that they did together, he’s just too young. There aren’t a lot of pictures of the two of them together either; I wonder if he’ll ask why someday.
I wish that I would have made the trip to Philly, even once, to visit Derek and have him show me around “his” town. We would have had a great time. I wish I would have stayed on the phone with him longer the last time we talked. He was supposed to call me back later that day; I wish he would have.
I wish that Derek hadn’t of had such a hard life, that he didn’t live with such a troubled soul. There are so many things that I wish for him and none of those wishes will ever come true for him.
When he was clean he had so much to offer the world, I wish he would have been able to do great things but most of all I wish that my Son had been HAPPY every single day.