One day fades into the next and they’re all the same; in a fog, fighting anxiety and some nights I wish that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning.
I miss the hell out of you and I suppose that I always will, I wish that I could have seen you on that last day, held your hand, told you how very much I love you. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about your last day and think “what if”.
My life is filled with what-ifs and I know that I’ll never have any answers to them. I can never be at peace when my mind is filled with all of the what-ifs and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.
Derek’s Place is my gift to you, a way to carry on your name in a good way. I want people to know the real you, not the addict you and I will spend the rest of my life telling anyone that will listen about my Son, the man with the amazing smile, good heart and unconditional love for his family, friends and 2 precious little boys.
I wonder how you got this ugly disease of addiction; did something traumatic happen to you when you were young? Was it because you were prescribed Ritalin when you were only 8 years old? Was it all genetic? Were you bi-polar when you were that young and you weren’t diagnosed correctly? Whatever the reason you didn’t deserve the life that addiction gave to you, you deserved the wonderful life that you wanted so desperately, the one where you were successful, were happy and in love.
I know you spent your entire life searching for something, searching for happiness, for love, for acceptance and in some fleeting moments you had those things and then in an instant they would be gone as the addiction took over again. I’m so sorry that I didn’t understand addiction sooner, that I enabled you for so long, that I actually told you, years ago, that you just needed to stop doing drugs as if it were that easy.
I remember when you told me why you relapsed, you said it was because when you were clean you couldn’t stand the guilt of what you had done to people when you were high. You had so much guilt and shame inside because of your addiction and I told you that when you were high that wasn’t really you but you didn’t believe me. I have learned to share without shame because there is NO shame in addiction, it is a disease and a very ugly one that turns people into someone that is unrecognizable to their family and friends. I’ve always been open and honest about your addiction and I don’t intend to stop now, I will do whatever it takes to remove the stigma surrounding addiction.
Derek’s Place is all a part of that plan, I want people, just like you, to know that they are worthy of love, success and happiness. That they are not alone and there are people that care and will do whatever it takes to support them in their recovery. It has been said that there is no follow-thru after rehab, in Kent County, and I agree with that 100%. We are the follow-thru that the addicts, the homeless and the people with other mental health issues need.
And I do all of this for you Derek, all of it because you were worthy of love, happiness and success and you didn’t believe it. I did and I still do….I love you Derek and I miss the hell out of you