Stuck..

672 days…

One day fades into the next and I feel all alone.

Lately, I feel like everyone is living their lives and moving on and I’m just going through the motions.  I go to work and go home and count down the minutes until I can go to bed so I can just sleep.

I’m still smoking, I still haven’t gone to the gym and I’m still eating whatever I want…I want to quit smoking, I want to be in shape and be healthy I just am too overwhelmed with it all so I don’t do anything.

I KNOW that if I did all of those things I would feel better but there’s something holding me back and I don’t know what it is.  Is it depression?  Is it grief? I wish I knew so that I could fix it.

I’ve been thinking about Derek a lot lately because it’s his birthday month, because the Holidays are coming up and just because I miss him so much.  The other day a memory popped up in my fb memories and it was from 2 years ago when he came to Michigan last.  That was the last time that I ever saw him.  I was so mad at him that weekend because he relapsed, while he was here, and never came home and left me with Christian when I had to work the next day.  I heard from him 2 days later and I was so pissed but I still let him come and spend the night that night.  At the time I knew that I was enabling him but now I’m glad that I did because it was the last time I saw him.  I’m glad that I got to make dinner for him that night and have coffee with him in the morning.  He put my shelves up for me that next morning and we had a good time and then he gave me the best hug and told me that he loved me before he went back to Philly.

I feel like I’m always defending myself to people that don’t understand; and instead of trying to understand they tell me what I should be doing.  This has caused me to distance myself, emotionally, from close friends and family members.  I keep things inside and only talk about them with my therapist and people that do understand.

One of my coping mechanisms is shopping and this has gotten me into trouble for sure.  I buy whatever I want whenever I want and that’s not a good thing.  So, I have put all of my credit cards away so that I don’t have easy access to them.  I’m really going to have to get a handle on this before I start Christmas shopping I know that.  I don’t need more stuff!

I have friends fostering Derk for me right now but I miss him so much and I really just want him home with me.  I haven’t gone to see him because I know I will lose it if I do and then I feel bad about that because he probably thinks that I abandoned him.  I have to figure out a way to have him with me that’s all there is to it.

I just feel sad right now; really sad.  I always have some sadness, in me, but right now the sadness is in the forefront and the joy and happiness are buried.  I know that it won’t last but I need to feel it while it’s here.  That’s what grieving is all about, feeling your feelings when you have them and not trying to push them down and forget about them.  It’s taken me 672 days to be able to do this and it feels good to recognize a feeling and know that it’s not here to stay.

Now if I could just figure out why I’m not doing the hard stuff…

I love you Derek and I miss the hell outta you

 

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