On the 4th of July I had a reading from a Medium; it made me cry. She told me that Derek has transitioned and is in the light, that he wants me to be happy and not feel guilty for it. She also saw a cherry tree and didn’t know the significance of it and I told her that any tree was significant because Derek was a tree climber. There was also a woman giving me a rose and wanted me to know that she was there for me too….that was my Mom. They both wanted me to know that they are always with me but I have my eyes closed so I can’t see them. I think that I am so focused on my grief that I’m not open to seeing what’s right in front of me.
I’m getting better every day though, I can laugh and not feel guilty. I’ve been getting out of my house more which makes me feel good. Derek’s Place is moving along just as it’s supposed to; even if it’s not as quickly as I would like. We’re getting ready to go to a 2 day training at the original Recovery Cafe in Seattle and I think that’s going to be awesome.
I still have anxiety most days but, with therapy, I’m learning how to deal with it. I have a great team, looking out for me, with my Dr and my therapist. They are working together to help me through this and I am so very grateful for them.
I think about Derek every single day and it makes me sad that he was taken so soon, I still don’t understand it and I still have moments where I’m mad at God for taking him. I remember moments that Derek and I had where we would just have deep conversations and he would tell me how scared he was, how he hated his life and couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t stay clean. He would share his hopes and dreams with me…He wanted to be clean, he wanted to be a good Dad to his boys, he wanted to marry Sam and have a family with her, he wanted to be successful in his business….he wanted so much but didn’t have faith, in himself, that he would ever have it. In the end he was right because he died before he could have everything that he dreamed of.
Derek’s Son, Christian, is doing well; he has his Dad’s personality for sure and he makes me laugh all the time. I haven’t seen Alexander since Christmas and I miss him so much. I worry about both of them and what their future will be, I don’t want them to grow up to be addicts and Derek wouldn’t want that for them either. Nobody wants that for their child, it’s a horrific life to live.
I miss parts of the old me, the sense of humor, the joking around, the woman that wasn’t afraid to leave the house and try new things but the new me is stronger and some day I hope to get some parts of the old me back. Sometimes it’s one day at a time and some days it’s on moment at a time but I’ll get there.
I love you Derek and I miss the hell outta you