Better Days Ahead

533 days

I finally left my house last Sunday; it was homework from my therapist that I go to a park.  My intention was to go on Saturday but I just couldn’t make myself do it but I got up on Sunday morning, grabbed my journal, went to Biggby and got a coffee and went to this cute little park, in Cascade, that is right on the river.

I walked down to the river and as I was walking down the steps I saw a bright, red cardinal.  That was my first sign that Derek was with me.  I sat on the top step, overlooking the river and was just quiet for a few minutes; taking it all in.  It was beautiful outside.

I listened to the sound of the river rushing past, felt the sun on my face as it poked through the trees and felt the soft breeze in my hair.  I wrote in my journal, which I haven’t done in months, and talked to Derek.  As I was sitting there I felt something heavy across my shoulders, it was the weirdest thing.  I think that Derek was sitting next to me with his arm across my shoulders.

I was there for a little over an hour and I could feel Derek there in the river, the sun and the trees.  It was a wonderful experience and I will be going back to that park soon.

I don’t know if it was getting out of the house and being outside, or what it was, but after I left the park I went and got groceries, something I haven’t done in weeks.  When I got home I did the dishes, started laundry, swept the kitchen floor and cleaned the kitchen counter off.  I haven’t done that much in a day in months!  It felt good though.

I’ve been having more good days than bad lately and that feels good too.  I just have to work on not isolating so much.  Sunday was the first time, in weeks, that I had left my house on the weekend.  I don’t even go outside on the weekends, I sleep and sit in front of my tv.  I know that’s not good for me but it’s what I do.  This Saturday I’m going to try and make it to the Fulton Street Farmer’s Market.

It just takes so much energy to get up, shower and get ready and then go somewhere; that sounds absolutely awful to me for some reason.  I don’t like talking on the phone either.  My perfect weekends consist of sleeping, watching tv and having no contact with anyone.  I wish I could do it every.single.day.

I know that I need to change this and I am working on it with my therapist, going to the park was the first step and that worked out great so I’ll get where I need to be.  Baby steps.

Of course I think about Derek every day and I always will but I don’t always cry when I think of him now.  I do get sad and I probably always will.  I wish there was someone that I could talk to about Derek, someone that knew him and had some of the same memories that I have.  I love talking about him and telling people what an amazing man he was.

I love you Derek and I miss the hell outta you

 

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