I know that in my grief journey I will have good days and I will have bad days; I have to learn how to embrace them both. I’ve had 525 bad days and it feels like I’m sinking deeper and deeper into isolation and depression.
Something is different this morning; last night, before I went to sleep, I talked to Derek for a long time. I told him that I didn’t know how to be happy without him here and that I would give anything to be able to give him one more hug and one more kiss and tell him how much I love him. I asked him how am I supposed to find happiness again and how am I supposed to go on without him.
I don’t know if he visited me in a dream last night or what but when I woke up this morning I wasn’t tired! I was in a great mood and I FEEL different! I think today is going to be a good day and you can bet your ass that I’ll embrace it! I know that’s what Derek would want. I know he doesn’t want me isolating myself and drowning in depression, he just wouldn’t want that for me. Derek always wanted me to be happy and I have to learn how to do that without him here.
I know that my life will never be the same but I have to learn that I’m not betraying Derek by having happy moments. Sometimes it feels like I’m carrying all of the pain that Derek felt while he was here on Earth, because he’s not feeling any pain now, his soul is free and he’s free from all of his demons and free from the hold that the drugs had on him. It’s what I always wanted for him but he just couldn’t achieve it here.
My therapist is always asking me about who I have, in my life, to support me and she can’t believe that I have nobody. I thought that when Derek died that would bring my daughters and I closer together but that hasn’t been the case. I am closer to one that I see once a week but the other one won’t even speak to me. She is an adult and I have to support her decision to not have me in her life but it sure does hurt. My therapist says that I need to start going to a grief group so that I can find people that will support me in this journey. I haven’t been able to gather the courage to go to one even though I’ve been invited to 2 grief groups.
I have learned, in my life, that I am the only one that I can depend on and I don’t feel like I need anyone else to help me through this journey. It’s not like I would call anyone and say hey I need to talk are you available? That wouldn’t happen, I need to do this on my own and I will.
So I will go to therapy every week and art therapy once a month and that will be enough for me. My therapist is going to teach me how to work through my anxiety which is huge and she will teach me other tools that I will need to get through my grief journey so I can come out the other side a changed woman but a woman that can embrace the good days and the bad days. A woman that will forever grieve her beautiful Boy but in a healthy way.
Derek thank you for whatever it was that you did last night; I will always love you and I will always help people just like you so that no other Mother has to have this as her new normal and her addicted child will believe that they are worthy of happiness, something that you never believed even though I told you all the time.