Signs from Derek

520 days

I don’t get a lot of signs from Derek but I sure love it when I do!  Sometimes I’ll see a cardinal sitting on the fence in my yard and I smile and say hey Derek I see you.  Some of the signs are hard; like the one I got yesterday.  I went to therapy and we talked a lot about Derek, when I got home from therapy there was a wood chipper sitting in my driveway.  I lost my mind….that was a huge sign.

They’re cutting down trees in the yard and it sure makes me think of him, he loved what he did and he was so good at it.  He could sell a job like no other and then do the job.  He would send me videos of him being way up in a tree going from branch to branch and I would tell him stop sending me those you’re going to give your Mom a heart attack!  He would say Mom I’m a professional nothing is going to happen.  He thought it was so funny.

I think I’m stuck in this dark place because I feel like it’s not right for me to be happy and find joy in things because Derek can’t.  I breathe, but I no longer live.  I know it won’t be like this forever but I’m tired of the depression, the anxiety, the isolation, the not sleeping…it’s all just so much sometimes.

Derek and I developed a really good relationship after I got out of his way and I wish we would have had more time in that relationship.  I miss his phone calls, his texts, the pictures he would send me, his voice, his smile, his hugs, his laughter…I miss everything about him.  Even the annoying things that he did….he would pace forever!  I would say good God would you sit down!  He would leave his stuff laying everywhere, you always knew when Derek was at someone’s house because his stuff was all over the place and when he did come over he would eat and drink everything that you had and then he would go lay on the couch and go to sleep.  So frustrating…but I still miss it.

I wish that Derek’s friends would tell me stories about him, he was so funny and I’m sure that there are a ton of great stories of him.  Helping someone or acting silly; I know that he was high when a lot of these things happened and I don’t necessarily want to hear that part but I still want to hear them.

Derek was such a great person when he was clean, he seriously would have done anything for anybody and he did do a lot for people.  Then the drugs would take over and I couldn’t even recognize my Son, he wasn’t there when he was using.  Addiction steals your soul and turns you into a person that nobody recognizes anymore; not your family, not your friends.

Derek, you once told me not to worry because everything was going to be okay, that you were going to get clean and stay that way.  Everything isn’t okay and it won’t ever be again.  It can’t be without you here.

I love you and I sure do miss the hell outta you

 

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