500 days seems like an eternity…such a big number.
I’m tired of grieving.
I’m tired of the anxiety.
I’m tired of the people that can’t understand telling me how I should be grieving.
I’m tired of this life I live now.
I’m tired of going to a job that doesn’t fulfill me anymore.
I’m tired of faking that everything is ok.
I’m tired of Derek not being here.
I’m tired of the depression.
I’m tired of isolating.
I’m tired of not having any ambition or motivation.
I’m tired of not finding joy in anything.
I’m tired of people saying that I’m negative…in case you didn’t know, grief isn’t a positive thing and I’m not being negative I’m GRIEVING.
I’m just fucking tired.
I know there’s no time limit on grief but I just feel like I’ve been here long enough. 500 days, that’s a long time to be tired of my life.
Sometimes the anxiety is so bad that it takes everything I have to not walk out on my job. That would be really stupid if I did that but when the anxiety takes over I never know what I’m going to do.
Sometimes the depression is so bad that I don’t want to get out of bed, but I do because I can’t afford to not go to work. The weekends are a different story; I sometimes just sleep my entire Saturday away.
Since Derek died I absolutely hate talking on the phone, no matter who is calling a lot of the time I will just look at my phone ringing and not answer it. My therapist asked me if it was because of the phone calls I got on the day that Derek died; I have no idea but it’s something to think about.
The last time that I did anything with another person was on March 16th when I went to a St. Patty’s day dinner with some friends. I didn’t want to go but I made myself and as soon as the entertainment was done I was out of there! I couldn’t wait to get home where I didn’t have to put on a happy face and pretend like I was having fun.
My therapist asked me who my support people were, I told her that I didn’t have any. She said that I need people that I can call and talk to and that will help me with the things that I find difficult to do. First of all I don’t like talking on the phone so I’m not going to call anyone for anything and I only have a couple of friends and they have lives of their own.
I talked to Sam on her birthday and she told me that she has started dating a little; that made me cry. I knew that day would come when she would date other people but it just made me feel like she’s another person that’s moving on without Derek and that makes me sad. I told her that I don’t care how many people she dates she will always be Derek’s girlfriend to me. I know that she will always have a part of her heart that loves Derek and she will never forget him; I’m just not ready for her to move on yet.
I know that all of this is part of my grieving process but I’m just so tired.
I love you Derek and I miss the hell outta you